Tired

I haven't been sleeping well. I'm worn out and now I've got a headache. My older son got detention today, he head butted another child. ?!?!? I do not understand his thought process. He doesn't understand regular social rules. He thinks he's playing but other kids don't. Sigh.

I miss my husband, I haven't seen him in a month. I don't know how long it will be before I see him again. He's working so hard.

Ideally he would get a new job where he could come home every night and still make the same money. It would seriously decrease the stress for both of us. You get married and have a partner, someone to support and lean on. It's hard to be supportive or lean on his shoulder when we are thousands of miles apart.

Chapter 17, not for the faint of heart

His foot tapped in rhythm to a silent beat. His fingers danced along the page notations in another language, mouth working words to a song unheard. A smile lit his face as he stopped.

“Finally, that's perfect.” He took up his guitar and the melody flew. Rising in harmony with his voice a worshipful song filled the air. Eyes closed, he raised his head, directing his song towards the heavens. As the room grew silent a knock sounded on the door. His mother peeked her head around the door.

“Hey rock star, are you ready for lunch? Come down and eat with us.”

“I've got to figure out the return on the chorus. It doesn't sound quite right.”

“It sounds great. Pastor Tom loved the last one. I was just telling him last Sunday that you are so blessed to have found your calling so young and he agreed with me. He was saying there is a festival up in Idaho that he thought you should go to. It's for young musicians and it sounded like fun.”

“I don't know Mom, is it for Christian artists or just young musicians? My music isn't really popular, it's different.”

“Your music is just as good as any rock artist out there. And it has a great message, they could learn something from you.”

“You're my mother, you are supposed to say those things.”

“Well it's true, you were blessed with a gift. But the festival is for young Christian musicians. He said that the church would be happy to help fund it if we needed some help. Everyone loves your music. The youth pastor was telling me that it brought in more kids. He said they could hear the rock music on Wednesdays and came in to check it out. Your music draws people to the faith. I am so proud of you.” Her arms reached around his broad shoulders, sandwiching the guitar between them for the quick hug.

“Thanks mom, that means a lot to me.” Jeff's face turned a bright red as he hugged his mom back.

“I'll leave you to your music for now. You have to eat lunch though, if you're not done soon I'll come back up for you.” Her blond ponytail bounced like a young girls as she left the room.

Pausing for a second as he regathered his thoughts Jeff's eyes wandered the room. Jimi Hendrix, Switchfoot, Third Day, and Sanctus Real posters decorated the room, along with photos of his family and friends. Above his bed hung a gold cross, a gift from his grandmother. A rag rug, recycled from old jean his mother made for him as a infant, lay on the wood floor between his bed and dresser. The furniture was mismatched and multi-colored but it fit Jeff. He was always trying to find ways to fit his faith, art and love of music together.

Sitting back down in front of his desk he picked up the guitar from it's stand in front of the window. Sunlight streamed in lighting the wood a burnished gold. The varnish had worn away in places from generations of hands. Settling down his fingers picked across the strings. The tune was bright and lively, the kind that made you want to get up and dance. Sparkling and vivacious the chords played along with his voice. A worshipful tune filled the air, his eyes closed in rapture.

Like motes dancing along the sunlight insidiously it slid in. Settling along the dark recess, in the hollow spaces it waited. Sighing along the harmony, dancing with the melody, he breathed it in. As much a part of him as the music now he didn't notice it's assault.

His fingers skittered, discordant notes screeching. Quickly he looked down shaking his hand out in front of him. The scorpion was flung across the room, hitting the wall behind his bed with a smack. The guitar fell to the floor as they poured out, a black stream of scrabbling bodies. Spreading across the floor they multiplied, a growing wave of venom. Tails raised they crawled under the door, from under the bed, in the window, out of the outlets, they filled the room.

He jumped onto his chair, keeping his feet from the floor as he screamed. They rained down from the ceiling. Piercing the skin on his skull, painful stings radiated down his neck. He shook his body as his pulled off his shirt, screaming louder and louder. Standing in stark relief against his smooth copper chest was a silver cross hung on a black strap. Silver dripped, melting as eight legs emerged, followed by a wicked tail already dripping venom. Lightening quick it struck, puncturing the skin again and again. Venom burned through his veins. His hand flew ripping off the necklace. His feet kicked out but in vain. Like thick black tar they clung to his feet and legs, his thin pants offering no protection from their stings.

Gasping he tried to draw in a breath. He swung out wildly, his actions disjointed as his eyes roved without aim. In his final moment of abject terror he cried not for his god but, like all children, his mother. The way towards the door blocked with swarming scorpions he looked towards the window. Without even opening the window he jumped. He had to escape. Glass shattered across the floor. Implailed upon the ragged shards he struggled to breath. Blood poured along the cedar siding, dripped down the window sill to puddle on the floor. His feet dangled, surrounded not by stinging arthropods but sheets of music. The room clear but for the paper ruffling in the breeze. Twitching, blood seeped a delta of red along the black notes. The sun streamed in shining rubies along the wood and paper. Heavy and peaceful the air hung pendulous tasting copper and sweet.

The school was lacking it's usual hectic hurried mood when we walked in. Everyone seemed so somber and quiet. I didn't know if it was lingering from Rachel or if this was tension from finals. My bones ached with heaviness as we rounded the corner headed towards the senior lockers. Huddled in the corner were a group of girls tears streaming their faces as their arms locked embraced. They are really dragging this out. Probably trying to get out of finals, they'll go crying to the counselor and get a pass. That actually sounds like a good idea. I wonder if I could work up a few fake tears.

Zane is running down the hall towards us. He stumbles nearer, his face pale, tears shimmering in his eyes.

“Did you hear about Jeff? I just can't believe it. He's such a great kid. Boy he could rock that guitar. I just can't believe it. It's like the school is cursed or something. First Rachel now Jeff, it's just such bad luck.”

“What the hell are you talking about? What happened to Jeff?” Although there are several Jeffs in the school only one of them was in the band with Zane. He's pretty cool, got this Christian Band going, even if I'm not into that kind of stuff. We weren't friends or anything but I knew him through Zane.

“I guess he killed himself. One of his neighbors said they saw him just try and jump out his window but it wasn't even open. Caitlyn is in the hospital, she lived across the street and was outside sunbathing when it happened. I guess she's all drugged up now, she couldn't stop screaming. Kevin lives down the street and came running when he heard her screaming. He told me all about it. It's just sick. I never would have thought he'd do that. He's so, like Christian, he talks all the time about his relationship with God and stuff. Isn't that like against their religion?”

Haven and I exchanged a look. Tears welled in my eyes as they trickled down her face. We both knew the truth which made it one hundred times worse than just another teen suicide. The three of us clung to each other as Haven sobbed. Tears dripped down Zane's face, dropping into my hair. Surrounded by sobbing students, the deja vu was disturbing. As the school year wore down I didn't want to think about how many times this scene would replay.

So about today

It was one of those just eh days. Not horrible but not great. I burnt my finger making dinner. Hubby's paycheck still hasn't cleared. I'm just tired. But I finished another diaper and made a bunch of tee bags out of old tee shirts. They are going in the back of the van for shopping.

I finally figured out how to insert links. It's pretty pathetic it took this long. It's hard to type without an index finger.

Yeah this is incredibly boring, no one wants to read this.

I've been struggling with a chapter in my novel, it just isn't right and I can't put my finger on it. It's like I lost my "voice". Anyways so if anyone reads this feel free to comment, be aware it is very graphic.

Discovery

Today my older son discovered what happens when you stick an egg in the microwave. For those that don't know, it explodes. There are still little pieces of egg that I will have to take toothpicks to get out.

Baking

I spent most of the afternoon and evening baking and making candy. My kitchen is so hot now. I don't know how long it will take before the chocolate cools. But today I made toffee, gingerbread biscotti, and chocolate chocolate chip cookies. I attempted to make peanut brittle without using corn syrup, that didn't work so well. I tried it twice and both times it sugared. The first time I there was water in my candy thermometer and it was steaming up. I couldn't read it. I don't know what happened the second time. I gave up after that, no use wasting all that sugar and nuts.

We got the kids rooms mostly cleaned. I still have to vacuum and mop. Of course once the boy's room was clean they didn't want to mess it up so Journey dragged down a box of toys. Now my living room is a big mess. Go figure.

Cleaning Day for the Kids

I have really been putting this off. I hate being a nagger but that's what I have to do to get the kids to clean their rooms. My daughter's especially has gotten bad. You can't see the floor. I don't understand, she just doesn't have that much stuff. She doesn't really play with toys anymore. She's not a clothes hound. How does her room get to looking like a tornado hit it?

The boys are easier to understand because they have tons of toys. The train sets alone would take up the whole floor. Not to mention the leggos, cars, stuffed animals, ect. And they share a room, two boys=twice as much mess.

What I Did Today

Don't worry it's not an incredibly boring list of chores and such. If you remember, and can look back, my daughter is very interested in theater and acting. There is an extras agency not far from us and today I signed her up. It should be a learning experience for her. I'm sure she's going into it with all these kinds of expectations that will be very different from reality. But that's life.

My novel is coming along well. I've written another two chapters. One I'm not sure that I won't edit out later but it works in the novel now. It just started out a YA novel, now it's gotten rather graphic and some of the content is not what I would let my YA read. But I'll either market it as a sci fi/fantasy novel or just edit it. I love it as it is. I know...as a writer we often have to kill our babies...I'm prepared. But I shocked my mother with how graphic and disturbing it was. I think if I gave her nightmares then it fulfilled my immediate goal.

My house is a mess. Really, I am not a good housekeeper/housewife. I'm untidy, disorganized and just messy. But I went for a walk in the sunshine today, watched my son throw rocks into the river and the dog try and fetch them. Rocko, our pup, is afraid of the water, he wouldn't go in past his belly. So Journey would throw the rocks in and then Rocko would bound in after them. When they went too far out he would sit there and bark at the water. I watered my garden and watched the rainbows dance. Journey and I played cars, which his was very bossy. I helped Sapphire with her fractions. Kenzie and I read the Cat in the Hat together, I only had to tell him about a word every page. Who needs a clean house....

Going Back to School

And it's me this time. I'm planning on starting college in the fall of 2010. So right now I'm checking out my options, looking into financial aid and possibly moving. I did get my associate of arts transfer degree, but that was back in 20o1? It's been a long time. I'm not sure what credits will transfer over. Also not what would transfer if I went to a school out of state.

I'm dreaming big here though. Never hurts to dream, right?... Like getting a full ride scholarship and attending an Ivy League university. I figure as I am inching up on 30 I won't be doing this again. I want to get as much out of the whole experience as I possibly can, while not being buried under a mountain of debt. Unlike most college grads I will already have the mortgage, kids, and other such things.

I might actually want to take the SAT's. Ack! But a lot of scholarships request either your SAT or ACT scores. I had never even heard of the ACT! Another thing to add to my to-do list.

Waste of time

I left my phone at my mother's house after our visit last weekend. I do not have a home phone. So no one has been able to reach me, except by email, all week long. My poor hubby, he's thousands of miles away and couldn't even hear my voice.

So I went down there today to pick it up. I couldn't let them know, my mother never checks her email. Wouldn't you know I get there and can't find my phone. So I go to a payphone ( I know, hello, should have though about that before I drove the 100 miles) and call my mom to ask where she put my phone. My sister has it and is taking it to my house.

I get home and my sister is waiting there. We just missed each other. What a waste of time, gas and energy!

On a better note, I got my bathroom cleaned. I know pretty normal but the kids have been playing in the mud the past couple days and it was a practically a pigsty.

Now I'm relaxing with a glass of wine, which makes me a big funny. Now someone let me know how to insert a link.

This is just perfect right now. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_2&listing_id=17825985

It's just striking my mood, tickling my funny bone. It makes me laugh just imagining my grandparents hanging their coat on it when they come over for Thanksgiving.

Signs of Spring

A New Bag

I've been working on a new pattern for a hand bag. This is just the first try. It's not perfect but good enough for me. After sewing it up I realized there were a couple small issues, but I've got them figured out now. Also it was the first time that I put on magnetic snaps. A lot easier than I though they would be. I am liking the new camera, it tends to flash too bright and I can't figure out how to turn it off. That's what I get for buying a cheap camera. I keep hoping mine will turn up. It's around here somewhere.

It's a Beautiful Day

The past couple days have just been beautiful. Definitely out of the norm for the Pacific Northwest, it was sunny! Sunny, warm, with a slight breeze, perfect weather. Unfortunately it's also pollen season so I spent a lot of the time inside. I'm out of honey, which was really helping me last season. Once the Farmer's market starts up, if it hasn't already I have to check, I'll see if I can find a local vendor.

I took advantage of the low humidity to make some candy. I made some toffee and some meringues for friends. Yummy melt in your mouth orange spice meringues. I've gone through two pounds of butter, a 5 lb bag of sugar, four bags of chocolate chips, two cups of almonds, and 18 eggs.

A couple weeks ago I finally got my garden in. I have seeds sprouting all over the place. I cheated a bit and bought cabbage and cauliflower. But I have radishes, carrots, spinach, lettuce and sugar snap peas coming in. I had to rig up a kind of fence because the dog kept running straight through. It's funky looking but it keeps the dog out.

The kids have been working on their "river", otherwise known at the big mud hole they dug in the back yard. I don't mind too much. As long as it stays outside and they don't have the water running all the time.

Texas Trip

So I have been putting this off because frankly I wish I hadn't of gone. It was a very stressful trip.

We left on a Thurs. early morning, stopped by my mom's house to pick up a couple things, then stopped by my mother in laws house to drop off Rocko. The first day went by very uneventfully. We made to the hotel at a semi-decent time. Our first stop was just south of Sacramento.

Here is where things went wrong, I really shouldn't have planned to drive the whole 3,000 miles in 3 days. So not only was I set to drive (non-stop) 12 hours this day, I discovered that my a/c was broken. Today I was driving through southern California and Arizona. It was not fun. It probably took closer to 14 miserable sweaty hours before we made it to our hotel for the night.

This was set to be the longest driving day. Driving to Texas, through New Mexico, with no a/c. It took close to 16 hours, in a car with three kids. Now to make matters worse I have now driven through two time zones so it is two hours later than my clock says when we arrive. So instead of two in the morning it's four in the morning.

Our first day in Texas with the hubby was great. We went to the Kemah boardwalk and road rides all day. They had live music and street performers. Kenzie was the most adventurous but unfortunately his height doesn't match. He couldn't go on a lot of the rides that he wanted to. And I can't find any of the pictures on the computer so sorry.

Our second day in Texas, hubby has to work some in the morning so the kids and I were planning on trying to find a park to play at. On the way to the gas station Journey threw up all over himself, his carseat, the back seat of the van. Yah for projectile vomit! So instead of doing anything fun I spent the day doing laundry and holding a sick boy. Watched a Ben-10 marathon, not much into cartoons but Journey loves it. Hubby took the kids to help clean out the van.

I cannot even remember what we did the next day. I am so tired and miserable, it started raining. I was just wishing that I had stayed home. We had planned on going to NASA but didn't make it with sick kid and rain.

Our last day in Texas we head down to Galveston, check out the hurricane damage and play all day at the beach. The water is so much warmer than the Pacific. It's lukewarm. The water and sand feel a little greasy, oily. When we left the beach my car was covered with a film and I felt like I needed a serious bath.

I gave myself an extra day driving home so we left early the next morning. The drive was actually really great. Everyone behaved and the weather was fine. We arrived in Amarillo at about 7. When I arrived there I was informed that they were expecting a blizzard. It was 73 degrees out so excuse me if I didn't believe them.

Wouldn't you know they got like a foot of snow, 40 mile an hour winds, yeah we were stuck. They closed down all the highways. Huge pileups, accidents all over the place. Great! It is just my luck so far with this trip that I would get stuck in a freak blizzard.

So we wait a day at our hotel, luckily it had an indoor pool. They had a reseraunt in the hotel also but truthfully if I had an option I would have gone somewhere else. The service was awful, they didn't even bring us enough silverware for everyone. The food was even worse.

We started out the next day driving slowly through the ice and snow. It wasn't bad, I've dealt with worse when we lived in Sunriver. By the time we made it to the New Mexico border it had basically cleared up. We made it to our hotel in fine time.

Today we planned on going to the Grand Canyon. Which added an extra two hours to my drive that day but it was worth it. It's just amazing. Mother Nature doesn't like me though. It was freezing cold and windy. The kids got out of the van, walked up to the railing, took a couple pictures and then ran back to the car. They were too cold.

Because of our detour the drive was extra long. Wouldn't you know it, Mckenzie got sick. This time he gave me some warning and I had time to dump out my cd's and give him the box to vomit in. Poor boy. We couldn't stop and let him rest. We finally made it to our hotel at about 11 that night.

Then our last day of driving! I let the kids sleep in, Kenzie needed it. Then breakfast, I love Holiday Inn Express!, and on the road yet again. Begining to feel like a Willy Nelson song here. Kenzie didn't get sick again and things went well.

We had planned on stopping at the Oregon Vortex. It doesn't say from the highway what the hours were but it did say days. It was open that day so we decided to try it. It's way off the beaten path and by the time we got to a sign that said hours we had ten minutes to closing. I thought okay it can't be that much farther down this road we'll get there just in time for the last tour of the day. No we go there at 4:06, yes 6 minutes late. I wasted close to 40 minutes on that detour. But it's not too far from our house that we can't make the trip any old day.

We were so glad to get home. Rocko was so happy to see us. Then the next day I got sick. Spent all night and into the next day vomiting. Then another couple days woozy and weak.

Total miles close to 6,000. Two sick children, one sick mom. Spent close to $1,000 with gas and everything. Wish I would have stayed home.

New Bag

I just love how this one turned out. I want to keep it but seriously how many bags does one woman need. I'm not even diapering so I don't need a bag this big. I love the little rose button. I have enough of the rose fabric to make a purse for myself. When I can find the time.

I have a few other bags cut out and ready to sew up. I'm leaving today though so I won't have time to until I get back on Monday. I'm heading up to visit my Aunt with my Mom and all the kids. It's about 5 hours from me so it's not a huge drive like the Texas trip.

My New Piece of Work

I started this story several years ago. It was based on a nightmare of mine. That obviously set the tone. It's very dark and graphic. I'm giving myself nightmares just writing it. It's helping me explore myself though. I think by finding new and gruesome ways to kill off characters I learn more about the shadowy recess of myself. It's hard and fascinating.

There are times when I have to laugh though. Should someone look at my past Google searches I'm sure that they would be slightly worried with what they find. How long it takes to die from poisoning, the symptoms of snake bites and scorpion stings, visual effects you may experience when drowning...

Needless to say that it is nothing at all like my previous novel. It feels more true to myself and sometimes I worry about what that says about me. I have a sick, twisted mind? or just an overactive imagination.

Dreaming

I always have strange dreams, that's not new. It's not unusual for them to be very vivid either. Lately though it feels different. I can't put it into words what's changed, they feel almost prophetic.

There is a time when you are twilight dreaming, not deep, not awake. Sometimes sounds from the real world will travel into your dreams. That's the time that I am talking about.

I was falling, drifting down, feeling heavy in my center and nothing in my extremities. Then I heard it, "momma, momma", far off and distant. Not a cry, or an exclamation but as if someone were searching for me. It wasn't one of my children's voices, it was a young girl.

I felt like I was looking, searching, trying to meet up with the voice. I jerked awake and called out to see what someone needed. No one answered. I got up and looked through the house, everyone was asleep.

There was something about that half dream that just won't let me go, a feeling like I've lost someone. It still lingers two days later.