“Mrs. Hensey are you ready?” The cute little blond technician looked young enough to be my daughter and she wanted to put that thing where?
“Umm, don't you think the doctor should be doing that?” I asked, not entirely sure that she knew how to use it properly. After all I'd never had this procedure before.
“I am fully qualified to do this, don't worry I've done it many times before. Now it's no more uncomfortable than inserting a tampon. Could you lift your hips up a little and scoot your butt down? Thank you.” At least she didn't lie, I hate it when they say it's just a like a bee sting, that has to be the biggest stinger, a world record book holder. It looked about like a spatula handle covered with a condom. It was faintly uncomfortable just having a woman do this. That wasn't counting the awkward position that I was in. Still not as bad as I was expecting.
“If you look at the screen you'll see your baby. There is the little arms, and there's the head. Oh, and another head, and four legs.” At this point I was starting to wonder if I was having an alien baby, which would explain how I'd gotten pregnant in the first place.
“Congratulations, it's twins.” Her sweet doll face was just beaming at me, she was obviously more excited than I was. In one fell swoop I went from being the mother of three to the mother of five. I would have to become one of those minivan moms. Ech! My non-response didn't seem to faze her as she continues on naming the parts and telling me what went to which baby. She even printed up pictures, so I could happily share the news with my friends and neighbors no doubt.
“Before we finish could you take a picture of my tubes so that I can show my doctor what a crappy job he did. I think I want my money back. If he was a mechanic and his repairs were faulty I'd expect him to at least fix it for free. I'm going to ask.” The look on her face was priceless. A combination of shock, horror and awe crossed all at the same time. I would have to practice weeks to get the same face in the mirror. Where is a camera when you need one? Oh yeah it's shoved up my twat. She did as I asked and after that stopped being so chatty. She did tell me I was about 10 weeks along and that she'd send the results to my doctor.
I barely restrained my laughter till the car. There I sat in my station wagon laughing so hard that tears were running down my face in the middle of the parking lot. A large pregnant woman walked by and I just started all over again. She was about the size of a small elephant and it wasn't all stomach. I could see myself like that in a few months. Between my butt and my belly I don't know if my stubby legs will be able to reach the pedals. I might actually have to have my kids drive me. Now that would be a hoot. Making them sit in the waiting room of the Ob's office surrounded by moody pregnant women. Might just make them swear off sex, at least unprotected, for a good long while. I might just have to do that even if I don't need to.
After I calmed down it all started to sink in. I just sat there in the car until my fingers started to get numb from the cold. I started the car up and as the windshield unfogged I started to get a glimmer of excitement about the twins. Two at one time. I hope they are identical. Two boys would be nice, especially for Jerry's sake. Boys are so much easier when they get to be teens than girls so far. I still have one more girl to hit the teens but she's acting just like her big sister did at that age so I have little hope. I could buy cute little matching outfits. Little baseball jerseys with matching caps. With that thought in my head and a less maniacal grin on my face, I headed home to share the news.